World News This Week: Reported By Someone Who Wasn’t Paying Attention
This week many of us were too busy to really pay attention to current events and with Newsweek no longer in print, we at the Japan Subculture Research Center have taken fifteen minutes of this Sunday to bring you an up-to-date and highly inaccurate report on all major news stories that happened in the week that was: February 10th –February 17th 2013.
North Korea launched a missile into space, early in the week, which caused a meteor to fall on Russia but diverted an asteroid from hitting Earth and saved the entire human race. Later reports would reveal, North Korea’s missile hit the asteroid first, knocking it off its collision course with earth, saving all human life, while the impact of the missile hitting the asteroid, resulted in an asteroid fragment falling towards Earth, eventually hitting Russia like a meteorite.
Prime Minister Abe expressed deep thanks to the Supreme Leader, Little Kim ‘Illin in a hastily composed rap tribute. Abenomics resulted in the Norway Kroner devaluation. The Pope resigned after revelations of physical abuse by the coach of The Vatican Judo Team. Tokyo Electric Power Company (TEPCO) lied about something important. A double amputee and former Olympic Judo competitor was charged with a triple murder in South America. Trains were delayed in Tokyo because of accidents involving people and things. The cyber terrorist who made fools of Japanese law enforcement for several months was caught by a talking cat on the Senkaku islands, who gave crucial testimony to the joint police task force. Many people in the world were shocked to discover than Japanese cats are able to converse and speak clearly, and that they have short tails or no tails at all. Japanese stores stopped selling Mild Seven cigarettes and replaced them with something suspiciously similar named MEVIUS, possibly after Pope Mevius the 3rd.