Japan adds Narnia, Syriana, Trumpistan and 16 more actual nations to its expanding no-entry list

From July 1, Narnia, Mordor, and Covidia will be among the 144 nations and regions affected by Japan’s entry ban*

The citizens and dwellers of Narnia, Syriana, and Trumpistan have already been banned from entering Japan due to COVID-19. Covidia, is being considered for the ban as well.

DOMEIDO NewsFlash: The Covid-19 problem continues as the world enters into a hot and humid summer. Even though Tokyo has completely reopened—albeit with a small spread of coronavirus due to the deplorables working in the night-trade— and residents are now able to travel between prefectures, Japan is not yet ready to open its doors to international visitors. Japan will also not let back in permanent residents who lived here and left, or admit anyone who might possibly be harboring the coronavirus, unless they are Japanese citizens. 

Starting Tuesday, Japan will ban entry to non-citizens arriving from an additional 19 nations, including Narnia, Syriana, and Trumpistan. This brings the total of number of nations and regions in Japan’s no-entry list to 144. Covidia, the renegade province of China, is also under consideration for the ban. The Deep State was scheduled to be banned but no one is sure exactly where it’s located.

Some of Japan’s choices have resulted in intense criticism from outside of this island country, which was created by the Gods. 

Foreign media pointed out that while Narnia is a temperate forested land, with talking animals that live in quaint houses and behave like people, and the land is populated by wicked witches, magic users, it also has had no reported cases of coronavirus since May 1st. This representational monarchy is also a fictional place. Syriana, is also a fictional nation modeled after Saudi Arabia and the subject of a suspense thriller starring a slovenly George Clooney, who put on weight for his role as a burnt-out CIA agent in the critically acclaimed film. Trumpistan is a satellite of Russia, ostensibly independent, carved out of what used to the United States of America. 

At a press conference today, acting Foreign Minister, television comedian, Hitoshi Matsumoto, shushed complaints that Japan was closing itself off from the world. He also responded to criticism that Japan should not be naming fictional nations for the entry ban. 

“I have heard the grumblings coming from Mordor, but we are not swayed in our decision. Of course, we have refused to let in anyone from the south of Mirkwood, so obviously the Mordorians are not happy either but Japan stays resolute,” Matsumoto said.

Matsumoto suggested that if other nations would falsify their data, like Japan, deliberately keep PCR testing low, and find the right scapegoats within their own nations, they could produce statistics that would allow Japan to reopen its borders to them—while saving face, but not necessarily saving lives.

Acting Prime Minister Aso (pronounced like asshole without the ‘L’)  Taro, corrected earlier statements that citizens from Okinawa would also be banned from Japan. “It appears that Okinawa, while not part of the mainland, is also part of Japan. Therefore, we will allow people from the islands into Japan, provided they have their Ryukyu passport and a bank statement.” 

While it appears that Japan is closing its borders tighter than ever, there were also signs that the nation is showing flexibility. Starting July 4th, anyone from Disneyland may enter Japan after agreeing to a two-week quarantine and showing they possess a Duffy Disney Bear as proof of citizenship in that country. 

Prime Minister Aso also denied rumors that hosts in Kabukicho were being rounded and exiled to Sadogashima along with hostesses, sex workers and other denizens of “the night village”. 

“If we exiled all the scapegoats, then who are we going to blame for our very low but still unacceptable coronovirus case count,” he pointed out. He added, “By the way, in about another week we are expecting a huge outbreak from the Black Lives Matter march and from everyone who tweeted mean things about Abe on twitter.”

Japan is warning citizens that social media, when used to criticise the government, breaks down social distancing and spreads coronavirus. 

Japan is expected to relax the restrictions for entry after having exhausted all possible scapegoats for continued infections within Japan. 

“We are going to need a fresh group of people to blame eventually. Then we’ll let you uncivilized barbarians who have a low mindo (民度) back into our land.”

Aso assured the foreign press, “I expect before the 2021 Olympics, that all entry bans and the coronavirus will vanish.” 

*This article is printed with permission of Domeido News Agency (同盟童通信), a fictional news agency that brings you the latest in news parodying Japanese news but really not that much of a parody.

Japan Fights ISIS with a barrage of Charlie Hebdo-like parody

Terrorism works because of fear and intimidation. One of their greatest enemies is sarcasm and ridicule. The Islamic State is holding two Japanese citizens for ransom and is most likely to execute them at 2:50 pm today (Friday) Japan time.

Japan has no standing army and very little means of retaliating other than expressing “strong indignation.”  However, the Japanese public has responded with a twitter campaign mocking the Islamic State and their poor photoshopping skills. While there is a blame the victim meme to the various collage photos being posted on social media, much of it is devoted to making fun of the Islamic State and their snide spokesman.

ISIS: all about the money. One of many photoshopped photos ridiculing the group.
ISIS: all about the money. One of many photoshopped photos ridiculing the group.

ISIS spokesman holding his favourite vibrator. A wanker ready to wank off.
ISIS spokesman holding his favourite vibrator. A wanker ready to wank off.

Explaining The The Japanese Meme Mocking ISIS is worth a read and a view. In the spirit of satire, we’re also contributing our own photo to the meme.

ISIS, you’re terrorists but you’re also idiots. Fuck you very much.

 

 

"I know Ninjas and you're no Ninja. You're just a douchebag money grubbing terrorist."
“I know Ninjas and you’re no Ninja. You’re just a douchebag money grubbing terrorist.”

Scary Tales From Japan’s Marriage Graveyard: My Wife Divorced Me Over “Frozen”

In Japan a married women took “Let it Go a little too literally and allowed her husband’s lack of interest in the popular Disney movie Frozen to ice their six-year marriage. According to the popular web forum for unhappy married people Kikonsha no Hakaba・既婚者の墓場 (The Graveyard of The Married/The Marriage Graveyard), a man claimed that his wife wanted to divorce him because he didn’t care much for the movie when he finally gave in and saw it with her. 

On an on-line forum, "The Marriage Graveyard" a Japan man claims his wife divorced him or rather "let it go"  because he didn't appreciate the Disney film FROZEN.
On an on-line forum, “The Marriage Graveyard” a Japan man claims his wife divorced him or rather “let it go” because he didn’t appreciate the Disney film FROZEN.

“When I asked my wife who would go to the cinema many times why should found it so interesting, she told me that I was defective as a person because I didn’t understand how good this work is…. And on top of that, she asked for a divorce and stormed out of the house,” he wrote.”By the way, do you think that it’s possible in this world to say that you want a divorce for this reason. This isn’t limited to just movies but also a discrepancy in hobbies)?”

For the husband, the declaration of divorce was a cold blow. Responders to his post were baffled, because the husband claimed to have a decent salary, no debts, and no hidden children. He also worked in a department in his company that is made up of men, which meant that he had no lovely female coworkers to tempt him into straying from his wife. One commenter brought up the possibility of his wife having a male “friend” and said, “If you make that much money hire a detective!”

Eventually, the man decided to hire someone in a detective agency to follow his wife and watching over his in-laws’ house.

There’s no way to verify this story, but it certainly has made rounds on the Internet.  It’s a little hard to believe this story, but people have divorced for silly reasons. During the Bubble Years, a term called “Narita Rikon・成田離婚 (Narita Divorce)” came into being because some newlywed couples would divorce as soon as they would come back to Japan, usually after a disastrous honeymoon.

A Disney movie shouldn’t be the main reason to “flake” out on a marriage. The movie incident was likely the icing on the cake of a multitude of problems that the wife might have found in the marriage. Check out this video to get a good idea of what their marriage must have been like. Guess who is which character.

The poster never discusses their sex life or whether one of them was frigid in bed. But judging by statistics, there’s a 50% chance it was a sexless marriage. Maybe she was unhappy with his “icicle” because he had problems getting it “stiff” and wanted to meet a real (snow) man. Anyhow, if that is the reason, it doesn’t look like this  frozen relationship will thaw anytime soon. It too bad he couldn’t some way to make her warm up. Maybe he could have taken her to karaoke and serenaded her with songs from the movie to prove his love? And if that didn’t work, he could always have sang her, Cold As Ice and wowed her with his coolness.

The story may be as fictional as the movie (but we couldn’t help but crack a few puns!). But it does hit on a universal truth about marriage in Japan: they are often stone cold dead long before one party asks for divorce.