From July 1, Narnia, Mordor, and Covidia will be among the 144 nations and regions affected by Japan’s entry ban*
DOMEIDO NewsFlash: The Covid-19 problem continues as the world enters into a hot and humid summer. Even though Tokyo has completely reopened—albeit with a small spread of coronavirus due to the deplorables working in the night-trade— and residents are now able to travel between prefectures, Japan is not yet ready to open its doors to international visitors. Japan will also not let back in permanent residents who lived here and left, or admit anyone who might possibly be harboring the coronavirus, unless they are Japanese citizens.
Starting Tuesday, Japan will ban entry to non-citizens arriving from an additional 19 nations, including Narnia, Syriana, and Trumpistan. This brings the total of number of nations and regions in Japan’s no-entry list to 144. Covidia, the renegade province of China, is also under consideration for the ban. The Deep State was scheduled to be banned but no one is sure exactly where it’s located.
Some of Japan’s choices have resulted in intense criticism from outside of this island country, which was created by the Gods.
Foreign media pointed out that while Narnia is a temperate forested land, with talking animals that live in quaint houses and behave like people, and the land is populated by wicked witches, magic users, it also has had no reported cases of coronavirus since May 1st. This representational monarchy is also a fictional place. Syriana, is also a fictional nation modeled after Saudi Arabia and the subject of a suspense thriller starring a slovenly George Clooney, who put on weight for his role as a burnt-out CIA agent in the critically acclaimed film. Trumpistan is a satellite of Russia, ostensibly independent, carved out of what used to the United States of America.
At a press conference today, acting Foreign Minister, television comedian, Hitoshi Matsumoto, shushed complaints that Japan was closing itself off from the world. He also responded to criticism that Japan should not be naming fictional nations for the entry ban.
“I have heard the grumblings coming from Mordor, but we are not swayed in our decision. Of course, we have refused to let in anyone from the south of Mirkwood, so obviously the Mordorians are not happy either but Japan stays resolute,” Matsumoto said.
Matsumoto suggested that if other nations would falsify their data, like Japan, deliberately keep PCR testing low, and find the right scapegoats within their own nations, they could produce statistics that would allow Japan to reopen its borders to them—while saving face, but not necessarily saving lives.
Acting Prime Minister Aso (pronounced like asshole without the ‘L’) Taro, corrected earlier statements that citizens from Okinawa would also be banned from Japan. “It appears that Okinawa, while not part of the mainland, is also part of Japan. Therefore, we will allow people from the islands into Japan, provided they have their Ryukyu passport and a bank statement.”
While it appears that Japan is closing its borders tighter than ever, there were also signs that the nation is showing flexibility. Starting July 4th, anyone from Disneyland may enter Japan after agreeing to a two-week quarantine and showing they possess a Duffy Disney Bear as proof of citizenship in that country.
Prime Minister Aso also denied rumors that hosts in Kabukicho were being rounded and exiled to Sadogashima along with hostesses, sex workers and other denizens of “the night village”.
“If we exiled all the scapegoats, then who are we going to blame for our very low but still unacceptable coronovirus case count,” he pointed out. He added, “By the way, in about another week we are expecting a huge outbreak from the Black Lives Matter march and from everyone who tweeted mean things about Abe on twitter.”
Japan is warning citizens that social media, when used to criticise the government, breaks down social distancing and spreads coronavirus.
Japan is expected to relax the restrictions for entry after having exhausted all possible scapegoats for continued infections within Japan.
“We are going to need a fresh group of people to blame eventually. Then we’ll let you uncivilized barbarians who have a low mindo (民度) back into our land.”
Aso assured the foreign press, “I expect before the 2021 Olympics, that all entry bans and the coronavirus will vanish.”
*This article is printed with permission of Domeido News Agency (同盟童通信）, a fictional news agency that brings you the latest in news parodying Japanese news but really not that much of a parody.