Japanese prosecutors arrest Mickey Mouse in daring Tokyo Disneyland Resort raid; CE0 Duffy says, “He’s no mouse; he’s a rat.”

TOKYO–Mickey Mouse, the Chairman of Tokyo Disneyland Resorts Worldwide (TDRW), and his number two, Donald Duck, were arrested today by Tokyo Special Prosecutors on charges of accounting fraud, as they arrived on a private magic carpet at the Tokyo Disneyland Resort around midnight on January 10th.

Mickey Mouse in a Japanese jail where he will reside for the next 23 days, or until he is rearrested next month.
“He’s no mouse; he’s a rat,” said CEO Duffy in a press conference today.

Mickey Mouse, “The Cheese and Expenses Eater” once considered a hero in Japan for his successful turnaround of Tokyo Disneyland when it was threatened with bankruptcy thirty years ago, had no comment about the arrest. This may be because he was immediately thrown in a cage, where he will be held for twenty-three days, where he will be interrogated without a lawyer from morning until night, without being informed of the charges against him, kept in solitary confinement and will be urged to confess to his crimes before being rearrested, while the prosecutors obliquely threaten his family and friends. The Tokyo Prosecutors are already preparing an arrest warrant for Minnie Mouse–according to official unofficial leaks to the Japanese press.

CEO Duffy, once considered Mr Mouse’s protege, held a press conference this morning where he decried his boss as a traitor and maniacal dictator who desperately needed to be removed for the greater good of TDRW (Tokyo Disneyland Resorts Worldwide) and Japan.

“He’s no mouse,” said CEO Duffy, “He’s a rat. We’ve already spent the yen equivalent of 100 million dollars on an internal investigation to determine that Mr Mouse has eaten several cheese dogs at the park without paying. Although, the blow to our public image may cost us the yen equivalent of $900 million, we feel that every yen spent or that will be spent was worth it.”

Duffy would not answer questions as to whether Disney executives, specifically The Beagle Boys, had made a plea bargain with the prosecutors prior to the arrest. Some of his answers were unintelligible, as he kept eating cheese dogs through most of the Q & A.

Justice Minister Minnie Mori in a hastily released statement said, “I realize that to many children Mickey Mouse is a hero but not here. The real heroes here are the daring prosecutors that have devoted a year of their time to catching this dastardly threat to Japanese corporate elites and Japanese sovereignty.”

The hastily prepared statement released today in 37 languages, had special praise for Japan’s once respected Office Of The Special Prosecutors.

“These heroes, the special prosecutors could have wasted their time going after the executive at TEPCO, who’s criminal negligence probably made them responsible for the worst nuclear accident of the last decade . Or the bureaucrats who forged and destroyed public documents related to the Moritomo Gakuen project, which would have needlessly embarrassed the Abe administration. (And really, the public doesn’t have the right to know…anything) They could have indicted Prime Minister Abe’s biographer on charges of sexual assault, or executives at Takata Airbags for making defective products that killed people, or gone after Toshiba, but that would have been cowardly pandering to public opinion and not serving the greater interest of the Liberal Democratic Party nation.”

“I can personally assure you that Mr Mouse will go through a farcical trial after several arrests and spending months in jail, only to be convicted in our incredibly just and fair system with its 99% conviction rate. It is a system where above all else, we completely respect the Universal Declaration of Human Rights which says that the accused is presumed guilty until proven guilty innocent.*”

At the cursory press conference, when questioned by the foreign media about the treatment being given to Mr Mouse, with the presumption of guilt, the pre-trial incarceration in a solitary jail cell and other issues, Minister Mori refused to comment. When asked what was the evidence of financial fraud, Minister Mori just giggled and ate a cheese dog.

When a reporter from the New York Times, speaking out of turn, yelled “Don’t you feel that the harsh treatment might be violating his human rights?” Mori had a snappy comeback.

“What human rights? He’s a fucking mouse.**”

The article posted above is satire. Any resemblance to events related to the Tokyo Prosecutor and Nissan’s disastrous collusion in prosecuting Carlos Ghosn are purely intentional. Japan’s current Minister of Justice stated twice, tweeted once and posted on Facebook the words ˆ無罪の証明” stating that the accused must prove their innocence in Japan, which is the reality. In theory, the prosecutors must prove guilty, or the accused must be found not guilty and go free. In Japan, once you are arrested you can be held up to 23 days without being charged. Those who assert they are innocent are often held for months and sometimes years before their trial, a system called “hostage justice“. Nissan has now spent close to $200 million pursing a case against the CEO that rebuilt the company. The amount of funding Ghosn is accused of putting into his own pocket is less than $20 million–assuming that there is any merit to those claims by Nissan executives. In consideration of the drop in share value, the pubic relations fiasco, and the amount of money already spent on this debacle, the whole thing seems to be a great example of poor cost performance.

** “I was taught yakuza and foreigners have no human rights,” said a former prosecutor who also authored 検事失格.

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subcultureist

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